I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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