I seem to have left my pride at pride
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
