your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
