Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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