nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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