i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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