Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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