I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
