I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
