life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
