oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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