She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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