if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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