hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
