I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
