The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
