Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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