That's intense
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
