Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Houston, we have a blender
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
