We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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