So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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