Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
