You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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