Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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