I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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