My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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