I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
