So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
