So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
