it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
