got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
