so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
