She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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