Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
