You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
