Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
