my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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