I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
