I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
