____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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