How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
