You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
