ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
