Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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