My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
