I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
