allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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