Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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