i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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