two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
