I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
