it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
