i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
